A day full of surprises.

As I was pulling things apart, I opened this plastic box in my closet and I saw this cocktail ring that I had forgotten about it.

I used to think it was ugly and but now I kind of think it's pretty. We used to make fun of it.

I then knocked over a little box as I moved and stars spilled everywhere. I thought I had destroyed them all in my bonfire.




I had to have a little cry. What I thought was gone was still here. It gave me a little hope.

In and out of my life.

So there are some guys who are fairly constant in my life like SB and Dylmah.

And there are some guys who are in and out of my life like a revolving door like Lighto and Teddy.

Two weeks ago, I got an sms.

"Hey Miss Hottie, Miss Stripper! How have you been??"

When I read this. I said to Polish "Excuse me, wtf. Who the hell calls me a stripper? When I find out who this is, I'm going to kick his ass so hard that he's going to create a hole in the time space continuum.And also I don't strip!"

I smsed back very politely. "I'm sorry, I think you have the wrong person. Who is this?"

There was no reply. So I went on a hunt. I went around waving my phone in everyone's faces. "Did you send this? Did you?" and when they laughed and said no, I eyed them suspiciously, just in case.

Anyway I let it go, thinking no-one was going to fess up and if it was someone who I couldn't even remember he/she couldn't be that important right??

I saw Teddy online tonight and I had never seen him online before. I hadn't seen him since he left the casino and I missed sharing the craziness with him. It's still crazy there but it's also a little more bitchy there- which is what happens when you start hiring 18 year old girls who haven't finished sharpening their claws from high school.

Further in the conversation- I found out that he was studying to be a designer! and I didn't know what to say because that revelation just blew my brain away. I am surrounded by would-be should-be designers! [And while I like the idea, in theory I don't really need more competition. I really don't. Stop competing with me for jobs, people.]


So while I'm reeling from this sudden change [he really couldn't have surprised me more if he had told me he wanted to open an opium den in Bondi.]. I mentioned that I lost my phone and therefore his number.

Oh, he said, you have my number.

I do not.

Yeah, you do! I msged you last week.

You did n... THAT WAS YOU! WHY DID YOU CALL ME A STRIPPER??

---

Packing Blues

I'm starting to pack. My bedroom is the first to go. This entire process is making me ridiculously sad. Everything is covered in memory. I look up and there are still stars on my ceiling. I really don't want to pull them down.

The unhappy business of being an ex.

"Why the fuck would you want me back?
Maybe it's because you don't know me at all"
- You Don't Know Me. Ben Folds.

A friend of SB's frequents the casino every couple of months. He doesn't see SB very much because they run on different time schedules- so I actually see him more than SB does.

He still thinks that we're together.

No-one has told him.

So he'll come up to me and say "Mush! Where's SB?? Let's get together and have dinner!"

Me: ... I don't know where he is.....

Him: It's a public holiday! Isn't it his day off?

Me: .. I don't know... It should be..

Him: *looks at me like I'm the ditziest person on earth for somehow managing to lose a live person. Right. We'll catch up later!

I was on the phone with SB a little while later and I complained. COMPLAINED.

Me: It's fucking embarrassing. He thinks I'm the worst girlfriend ever. Why haven't you told him?? TELL HIM.

SB: ..... I don't go around announcing to everybody that we've split up. Hello! How are you? Mush and I are not together anymore!

----

I was talking with some girlfriends the other day about missing ex-es. And I said [thinking this would get a laugh by the way] that when I feel really lonely at night, I sleep with my back against the wall and pretend that it's him. So when I didn't get mocking and I got agreement- I was flabbergasted.

One friend said that she hugged a pillow as a boy substitute

And another said that she wrapped herself really tight in a blanket to pretend that they were arms.

I really thought I was the only one, but it turns out exes everywhere do the same thing. Who knew?

---

Staph-face royally pissed his ex off on Friday night, and so on Saturday night she had cut me from her facebook friends. I had nothing to do with their fight and I cannot for the life of me see how I am involved.

Here it is, deleting me from facebook and not actually talking to me about what your problem is, makes you a child. And also quite possibly makes you a social retard.

Generation Y and their passive-aggressive ways. Mouths are helpful little things- use them.

---

I joined Lighto outside smoking a cigarette, we were quiet for a minute.

and then he said "My girlfriend and I just broke up."

I didn't know what to say, partly because whatever I say would just sound like soothing nonsense and partly because I saw it coming and was not feeling like it was what he wanted to hear.

"Oh, your call or hers?"

"Hers."

"Will you get back together? What were her reasons?"

"She said I don't care about her enough, I never have time for her, and we've been together for a year but it feels like eighty."

*Can I just interject here.That eighty year comment is ridiculously harsh! And makes her out to be a complete bitch. On the other hand, if you feel that time is dragging when you're hanging around that person then... let go? I don't know. I have never/ would never date someone who makes me feel like time is going backwards. Life is short but you want it to feel longer? That's just weird. I hope she returns that Louis Vuitton he bought her. Carry on.

"And then she hung up on me."

I could tell he was trying to be cheery about it, but wasn't really succeeding. I'm supposing that the reality of it will hit him harder when he's alone.

I patted him on the shoulder and left him sitting there still smoking. A picture of the unhappy business of being an ex.

Feel better soon

Everything will be ok. You'll get through this! Trust me.

I believe it when I can see it for myself.

I asked Mystic Meg how long I was going to be hurt for.

She looked at my palm and said "This guy has hurt you so badly, I think the damage is life-long. However... two years, you will feel hurt for two years."

---

I looked at her and I yelled "If I feel like this for two more years! I will roll myself off a cliff! in a barrel!"

---

I was sick of feeling mopey and depressed. And I was sick of those people who had left, having such an intense effect of how I was feeling every Goddamn day.

---

The next day, I woke up and I promised myself that this was going to stop. And it was going to stop as of that morning. I think my friends were a little dubious at this prospect. I can't really really blame them. I had cried for three months straight by then. At home. In public. In restaurants. At work. I had permanent tear tracks on my face.

---

Three months later, I figure that this is the week God [God?] has sent both of them to see how well I'm doing.

---

I'm still alive.

---

And there were no tears!

---

"Will you be ok?"
"I'm honestly in a really good place"

---

And I wasn't just saying that to make him feel better.

I think in some weird way, I have circumvented fate. All of these things that were meant to be.. and I just thought I would go around it.

I don't feel damaged. This is going to sound completely drippy but I don't want to give them the power to damage me. I'll decide when I'm beyond repair, thanks very much.

And thus closes another bizarre period of my life. Moving on to greener pastures, pleasant roads and waterfront views.

Night at the football.

A night of intestinal fortitude and pictionary. No words.

Night Outings

"It's the end of the world as we know it. And I feel fine."
-End of the World, R.E.M.

And this is how I know that I'm over it:

At two o clock this morning Coffee called me.

Two o clock is the time of night when everyone's defenses are down. And mine were a little blurry.

So we talked and talked and he asked me out for food.

I agreed.

When I met him, I wasn't feeling anything. I think because I was tired [and a little numb] I had no expectations or pretenses or any of those weird social barriers that I put up with other people.

And so we hung out, and we were just two people talking about nothing, just enjoying each others company.

I had forgotten how cool it was to hang out with him and just talk.

I didn't have any leftover feelings of anger, resentment or whatever. There was nothing and that really surprised me, because as you so obviously know it wasn't that long ago that he was helping me make myself into a weeping mess.

As day broke, he asked "Do you have to go?" and I just laughed and waved goodbye.

No regrets, no issues, no ache. It's all gone. When I wake up I feel it's going to be an exceptionally pretty day.

Quietest at night

All day long my head is filled with people and conversation. Customers, friends, family. I talk to people sixteen hours a day.

But it all goes quiet at night when I'm driving home down a long stretch of road. I have the window down and Jeff Buckley on the stereo and there's nothing going on in my head. I could drive like this forever.

It's the best time of the day.

The state of being happy.

I had a niggle today.

Last year I made a conscious decision to exclude all the people from my life that I thought were bad for me/didn't honestly care about me/ were using me in some way. This ginormous list included Dakota, Tatergirl and a whole host of other people who were only around for the good time haul [Tatergirl has called me twice last year- both times to borrow dresses. Huh.]. This also sadly included some family.


I was singing at the top of my lungs today in my car. Doing the squinchy emotive face and all. And I had another epiphany [woo! all the time lately!]



But here it is: Not everything in my life is honestly going the way I expected but I'm surrounded by love. And laughter.

And I'm happy. Despite. Nevertheless.

It took me a long time to get back up there.

Soccer Hooligans

Last night I dragged Noodles, Betty and Ms Smith with me to watch the soccer.

Australia vs Japan! and guess who lost?? Baka! #@*$*^&$(&$..

Anyway this is what happens you put one avid fan and three bored non-watchers in the same room. Mayhem and destruction.

It starts off with the construction of coaster castles..


And begins with cake..


I'm considering getting mad with my spoon if Japan loses. The cake will get it.


There are flags in the cake! It's madness!


Group shot! Notice the two whole salt and pepper shakers. They are soon to be destroyed very very soon.


Toppled over and broken. And then covered by the coaster castle. The waitress laughed when she took the plate away.


There was salt everywhere.


But pepper is still alive and is now wearing a hat. Well his wife's diaphragm to be exact.

And still with the construction..


Mr Smith practices his crying face in case we get turfed out of the club..


This is my angry face. I missed the Japanese goal while we played a game of coaster snap. AHHHHRRRRRHHHH...[That diaphragm is everywhere!]

And there it is again!

The eyeliner was brought out after the coasters were done. It's Charlie! Candy mountain Charlie!!

He is now French and has a moustache.

And um.. so does Noodle.

And this is obviously my heroin arm.

Some mutual friends were also watching the soccer! And trying to make off with my Hello kitty camera case..



Ms Smith won five dollars and then we all went home!

So in all in all it was really good clean fun [except for the mess bit itself ironically] and of course the fact that Japan didn't win. Baka Tare! Fuck!

How to annoy a security guard.

So I'm not sure where to park and my aunty throws me a garage pass.

"Mush. go park downstairs. Be careful of security- they're very anal."

So off I toddle and when I get to the front gate, I drop my pass. Oops.

The security guard knocks on my window.

SG: Excuse me ma'am. Where are you going?

M:I'm driving down there. But I don't know where I'm going. I'm supposed to park in visitors. I can't find my pass.

SG: Oh. Where do you belong?

M: That restaurant. I work there. I can't find my pass.

SG: Oh, that's fine. I'll let you in.

M: I can't find my pass. They're going to yell at me!

SG: Should I let you in?

M: Can I get out and look for my pass?

[Rummage. Rummage. Rummage.]

M: Oh. here it is! Hee. So where am I going?

SG: Downstairs to your right, next to the cage.

M: Oh ok. Left next to the cage.

SG: RIGHT. Next to the cage.

M: Right.

So I drive down and I hear

SG: OI! OI! you have to park here!

M: here? like this? [reverses]

SG: Not like that. Can you parallel your car?

M: Oh, is that better?

SG: [Beginning to get frustrated] No, not like that otherwise you can't get out!

M: Sure I can. [Starts to reverse] Like this?

SG: .... I have to go. Excuse me. [leaves]

I get back upstairs and give the pass back to my aunty.

"How'd it go? Did he give you any trouble?"

"No, no trouble at all."

Aww?!

This weekend I received a happy texts [the kind that makes you laugh]. One drunken phone call [one of those. It has been a while]. One epiphany where I decided that I'm not a lesbian. And a forehead kiss!

So we were talking shit in the back of the car and the conversation went like this

M: I'm so cute! Don't you think I'm cute?

Him: Oh my God. You are so cute.

M: Really?

Him: Here I'll show you how cute.

He grabs me and kisses me on the forehead.

M:....

---

When I told this story to Polish and Campbell, they collectively went "awwwwww! we love forehead kisses!"
And I was.. are you serious? if we were dating for two years then ok. But a random one? Meh. I'm not his sister!
Polish: There is no way you are complaining about a forehead kiss! Those are rare!
Me: I figure.

House Issues

This is what gardening does to your hands. Who says it's healthy???

So my real estate agent called me today and he sounded really really embarrassed.
RE: Mush?
M: Yes?
RE: I just wanted to talk to you today. About the house.
M: What about it?
RE: Well the other agent says that the yard is too messy. And weedy.
M: Yes, it's been raining i haven't gotten to it yet.
RE: And one other thing.
M: ...
RE: Your shoes. He wants you to fix up your shoes.
M: My shoes.
RE: Yes, he says that they are in disarray and impacts on the sale of the house.
M: They impact on the sale of the house.
RE: [Embarrassed silence] Just keep it neat, like normal.
M: .....

Would you like to see what my shoes look like on a normal everyday basis? They look like this. [Lots of converses, I know]

Yeah Ok. I think that if prospective buyers are scared off by how my shoes are laid out, they should probably consider buying a vacuum sealed bubble where the air only comes in through a via filtered vent. My shoes- affecting the housing boom, pair by pair. Eesh.


I was walking down the stairs and I noticed the picture was missing and I was what the heck?


On further inspection, the picture was laid facedown at the bottom of the stairs.

Tell me that's not weird, that the middle picture fell down by itself. In a space where there is no wind. None of the other frames are affected.
Can we get an x-files theme going??

The pictures are a series of three. They are little boats representing life. One indicates turbulence. Two is the calming of the storm. And three is the period of reflection that comes afterwards. I figure that it's some sort of sign that it's not over yet.

It's the freaking weekend!

"Sippin on coke and rum
Im like so what I'm drunk
It's the freakin weekend baby
I'm about to have me some fun"
- Ignition. R Kelly



I had a feeling I was in for it this weekend. And it's Tuesday and I have a delayed hangover. My head hates me. Anyway photoes!

So Saint Mary said to me.. lets go pick up some lesbians!

My response was ..... sure. [This is my standard response to everything lately. Want to shave your head? Sure. Want to play chicken with an oncoming train? Why not.]

Sober faces. Try and remember these.

Smokey strobe lights. Not my camera.

Saint Mary is finding those light v. v. pretty. Whee! Lights!







We are so goofy! By this time we are high on wet pussies and Hanson. They actually played MmmBop! It was fricking hilarious.I distinctly remember standing with a group of girls in the bathroom serenading Saint Mary with "You're the voice" in the bathroom. Oh God.



I am told Ms Smith here regretted her shot of absinthe the next day. Much like the rest of us.

I was really wasted by one clock and I had no inhibitions left. So I said to this lady- You have a really great ass. Do you mind taking a photo with me? Well I guess who could turn down a request like that right?? Nobody.
She was trying to get her girlfriend to go home so she could spend quality time with her mistress. I wonder if she eventually convinced her girlfriend to leave. She was trying to hail a taxi as we walked away.

That was a much excellent night, but I paid for it the next day.

--

I went to work on one hours sleep. I was absolutely gorgeous. [Well actually I didn't look too bad considering how much make up I piled on] and I was wondering how I was going to make it to Dylmah's party in one piece. Considering I was designated driver and I was swerving even as I was walking.

In the afternoon, I got a message from Mexicana, she was down for the night. And she wanted dinner with me. We never have dinner anymore. Oh shoot. This is going to take my entire set of logistical skills. And I don't have any!

So I ran home from work, threw on some clothes and started driving. Of course, I was late. By the time I got to Dylmahs he pushed me out of the drivers seat. "I'm driving! Move out!". He's a proponent of offensive driving- I feared for my poor civic.

I stayed for a little while, ran to dinner with Mexicana [who got me the Hello Kitty MAC compact!] and then had to run back. Everyone was well on their way to getting completely trashed. I was going to stay til midnight Cinderella style but as soon as I stepped on the dancefloor I felt myself getting the most ridiculous headspins [the unfun kind] and I knew I had to get going before I drove my car into a pole. I was totally twinge-y at having to leave early.


Two of my favourite people. That was the first beer of the night.

Teeth everywhere!



Who's a happy chappy at having to leave early??






Everyone had an awesome time, there was talk about tabletop dancing and clothes coming off. I feel like I missed a lot of photo ops. When I left Dylmah was doing the AC/DC dance on the dancefloor.

Well that was my weekend topped off with a really really rushed essay on Twilight. [It may be the cause of my headache. Fucking Bella and Edward.]

Next week! I think more lesbian antics to come. I'm going to start getting a life again. About time~!