Early morning phone calls from my parents make me cranky

11:42

Ring ring.

Me: Hullo? :struggling with sleep

Mum: Hullo! Hi! Its 11:42.. why are you not up yet?

Me: Because I'm sleeping.

Mum: Why are you over sleeping? Is it because your heart is broken?

Me: BECAUSE I'M TIRED.

I am not inebriated!

Falling on your face on the dance floor, salsa-ing badly to a rap song, sobbing hysterically on your friend's shoulder, and asking your very drunk friend [Thanks Dylmah!] to drive you home at 100kms an hour does not equal inebriated.

AM I? AM I? No I'm not. But I get to do it all again on Saturday!

Can I get an eyeroll and a hurrah? Hurrah!

Confusion sprinkled with paranoia

For Christmas I'd like a relationship bar [you know like out of the Sims] which tell you what standing you are with people and how many points out of a hundred the two of you happen to be.

For example, If I was 68 with someone then I would ask them out for a beer but I wouldn't tell them my secrets.

And then if I was 89 with another I would call them and if I saw the stupid bar start to droop when I started talking then I would hang up and go find another 80-something friend to talk to. Or I guess if I ran out of eighty something friends who wanted to listen to me.. I guess I could just call my mum?

And if I saw a person with a very very low score with me I'd probably just avoid them.

See? Handy.

Anyway, I suppose this is just a roundabout way of saying I have no idea where I stand with a single fricking person at this moment in time. When I asked Lighto about this, he just laughed and said I think too much.. he was possibly going to pat me on the head or something. When I asked Sb this, he looked at me and said "Friends. Friends with attraction" [To this, I rolled my eyes and went off to find a book to read] and then there are others who are giving me mixed messages and I think I'm just going to turn off my phone for a while and just concentrate on my two minute noodles. Two minute noodles is never confusing, chicken is always chicken and beef is always beef.

[Unless of course the stupid factory workers mixed them up and never mind.. when does that ever hap[en?]

Things that cheer me up.

Mayonnaise sandwiches.
New episodes of 'The Office' [I heart you Jim Halpert!]
My brand new lip gloss [courtesy of Harpers Bazaar] which ta-dah! lights up when I twist the lid.
And Savage Chicken. I think I've mentioned before previously how much I love Savage Chicken.



Never ever fails to make me laugh. [Also helps that that stupid song has been stuck in my head for two months]

Living alone

Well now that SB has moved out, I have this gigantic [well gigantic to me] house and I don't know what to do with it or with myself.

However for some reason, my mum has taken it upon herself to fill my now [empty-ish] house with her stuff. They include:
Two wine racks
Two baskets
An esky
Random pieces of cloth
A Japanese scroll

While I'm sure my mum has the best intentions.. what am I going to do with a Japanese scroll?? I'm going to give it to Minnie to chew if I can't figure it out soon.

It's lonely when you don't have someone to bounce your opinions off of. At most I'm just talking to Minnie and only Minnie, you can imagine that she doesn't really care about my opinions about whats on tv. She's taken to wandering off as soon as I say something.

The only really good thing I can think of about living alone is drinking the juice straight out of the bottle. But then the juice bottle is a 4L one and chances are if I tried that.. the only thing that would happen is that I'm going to give myself an orange mango shower.

Dating? Not me

This is what I have to look forward to for the next year or so:

"So, Michelle.. what do you think is the most romantic movie of all time?"
"Umm... "[starts to toss up between Casablanca and Sleepless in Seattle, then finally gives up] "Well what do you think is the most romantic movie of all time?"
"Dirty dancing. I think it's a lovely movie"
[starts to horrendously squall in laughter then pulls a straight face] "Yes, nobody puts baby in the corner"

Siiiigh.

My arm is buggered

So in the space of four days my poor [left] arm has been through a lot. Firstly, the elbow went through a window and secondly, Mexicana's dog mistook my hand for a burrito and decided to chomp through it. Consequently, my arm looks like its been through a really angry blender.

Well anyway, since I'm here, I thought I might list some things which I can and can't do one handed.

Can't

- Eat pigeon. I love you mum! and I know you worry about my nutrition but thats a lot of pigeon to try and eat one handed. And now that I have no-one to feed me [or even cut the damn thing up] its damn near impossible to eat. Not even caveman style works, I can't even get to the underside. That was was like four or five pointlessly dead birds.

-Use chopsticks. I can't bend my elbow so I can't bring the chopsticks up to my face. So when I go out to restaurants I have to ask for a fork. When I ask the waitresses for a frigging fork, they look at me ever so mournfully and then shake their heads. Look lady, I'm not betraying your culture, my arm is borked.. and Jesus, can't I ask for a fork without invoking cultural/generational commentary?! I guess not. Huh.

- Go to work. Whee! I'm sure supervisors love this. But the chances of me carrying a tray and then not splitting my elbow to spurt blood all over the nearest patron's face is minimal. Actually, come to think of it, if I spurted blood over their faces- I could see which ones were vampires and then I could stake them thus reducing the amount of coffee I have to make and carry. Good plan huh? Too late now, anyway I didn't go to work this weekend.

-Mop the floor. Well you try mopping it one handed!

Can

- Save the dog from down the street from meeting certain death on Archer Street. I didn't even have to touch her, I just trilled with my extremely melodic voice 'Elllllllllllllieeeeeeeee' and brought her home. Sort of like the pied piper meets Lucy Liu. Of course that gate was a bastard to open but at least I got her home. I know. I'm such a heroine.

- Roll the rubbish bin out. I've never done this before [well I have at work but never at home], it's kind of a thing you can do one handed, so I know if they ever decide to amputate I can spend my life rolling garbage bins up and down a garden path.

-Put my contacts in. It takes twenty minutes and my eyes are red by the end of it, but hey! I can do it. Aren't you proud of me? If next you see me and I don't have them in, it probably means I dropped them down the sink.

-Type. Well you did want to know where I disappeared to, right?

[Where is SB in all of this? Well we've broken up [again? again.] and I'm not really adjusting particularly well so at the moment my emotions are all over the place, but I promise when I feel up to it, I'll write a big long post]

Cheer youself up

"army out of the raw is like building a factory to be manned by expertambulance with them to England, where they wish nothing so much. A fight between planes in the air very rarely happens, except in the a family practitioner at home, the doctor, when the war began, hada dum-dum and worse; for the jacket splits into slivers, which spread announce his objection? But, my dear sir, you are giving your case as a cat watches a mouse. "

I'm feeling very down lately, but reading through this spam cheered me up. Especially hada dum-dum. I'm thinking to use it more in my conversations.
"What? hada dum-dum?"

Or if someone argues with me [as they often do] I will just look at them knowledgably and say "My dear sir, you are giving your case as a cat watches a mouse" or course, they'll probably dial for the local institution afterwards, but at least I managed to get it into the conversation.

An awful retching mess

Deleted for melodramatic awfulness. Sorry, but if I ever get famous, I don't want people to quote me as Mush that nutbag. Though I'm sure they have plenty to quote from including alcoholic binges and bitter rants